Terry Real's Five Losing Strategies & Five Winning Strategies

Five Losing Strategies used by couples:

Terry Real, a prominent American psychotherapist, speaker, and author who is best known for his work on men's issues and relational psychology, has identified five common losing strategies that people use in their relationships. These strategies, which he describes in his book "The New Rules of Marriage," can be destructive and ultimately lead to the breakdown of the relationship. Here are the five losing strategies:

1. Being Right

• Arguing about whose view is more accurate

• Fuels self-righteous indignation

2. Controlling Your Partner

• Can be direct or indirect manipulation

• No-one likes being controlled. It leads to retaliation & payback

3. Unbridled Self-expression

• Saying whatever is on your mind with no kindness or respect

4. Retaliation

• Offending from the victim position

• I’ll make you feel what I feel

• Can be overt or covert (passive aggressive)

5. Withdrawal

• This is different from taking a responsible time-out or responsible distance

taking

• Comes from resignation or retaliation.

Five Winning Strategies used by couples:

In addition to the five losing strategies that Terry Real has identified, he has also outlined five winning strategies that can help couples build healthy and fulfilling relationships. Here are the five winning strategies:

1. Shift from Complaint to Request

• Learn how to speak and ask for what you want

• Make your requests specific, behavioural & reasonable.

2. Speak to Repair with Love & Respect

• Contract with your partner to engage in a 10 minute dialogue or repair

conversation

• Remember love

• Use the 4 steps of the feedback wheel

  • What I saw & heard

  • What I made up about it

  • How I feel about it

  • What I’d like

• Let go of the outcome.

3. Listen With Compassion

• Listen to understand – you don’t have to agree

• Acknowledge whatever you can

• Give whatever you can

4. Empower Each Other

• Acknowledge the gifts the responder has offered

• Ask what you can do to help the responder deliver

• Acknowledge whatever you can & give whatever you can.

5. Cherish each other

• Give your partner specific positive feedback & appreciations daily

• Nourish yourself & your relationship with time & energy

• Practice smart generosity

• Give back to the world.

Do you need relationship help?

If you need help with your relationship, please contact me to discuss your situation and find out how we can help.

7 Things You Should Do Every Day

PICK ONE. AND, JUST TRY IT!

Life happens. It’s demanding and stressful. And its many chapters unfold in ways that will eventually pose challenges to how you view it and take it forward. You have days when it seems impossible to achieve your purpose. To make your dreams come true. And, if you have young children – like me – it seems even more difficult.

As someone that has studied and worked in Psychology, Counselling, and Coaching, who has lived and worked in four continents of the world, I’ve seen how much life weighs on people, all across the world. We are in the same boat. With the same essential worries and dilemmas. And, conditioned by the same limiting perceptions.

How do you keep going with all your responsibilities, and still maintain your inner balance?

Let me share with you what I’ve found through my studies and my work with countless individuals in Europe, Asia, Africa and Australia. How I learned from each and every one. Discovered their best strategies. And became a good juggler. Let me tell you what you won’t find in school manuals, what friends and family haven’t taught you.  

PAUSE AND SEE WHAT YOU’RE CREATING IN YOUR LIFE

Each day is precious. A unique opportunity to reflect, grow and improve. And, all your actions matter, as they create the future. As the Irish writer James Joyce has said – “I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today. I am today what I established yesterday or some previous day.” It seems quite obvious, yet we get lost in the ongoing turmoil of our, apparently, full lives. We don’t stop and pay attention to ourselves.  

With this article, my intention is to help you help you to identify and let go of perceived or self-imposed barriers, and to unleash your ability to be fulfilled, and mix it with your natural desire to be happy. Because, as Maezumi Roshi, a Zen master that came from Japan to the West has said - "No one can live your life except you. No one can live my life except I. You are responsible, I am responsible." Are you ready to rethink? And, to do the basics, simplifying your life and adding meaning to it. 

With the following morning habits, I’ve seen radical changes in my life. And, I want to share this with you because I want to see you moving forward. Here’s the thing…

So what happens next? Honestly, I don’t know - it's in your hands. But, if you feel that you’re somehow stuck in any field of your life, I invite you to try these practises. At least one. Just do it and find out if they make sense in your life. My recommendation to you...

1. Integrate: Make them part of your daily habits, like eating or drinking

2. Be Realistic: 5 to 10 minutes/day and build on from that

3. Commit: To see results, you have to do it

 

CALL TO ACTION